Sunday, December 13, 2009

Counting my blessings..

About 4 years ago, this time of the year was a dark one for me. I had a misscariage a couple months before and was trying to get pregnant with no luck at all. In my stupidity I definetely thought Santa was going to bring me a baby. The only thing I wanted more than anything else in this world. My period arrived 1 wk before Christmas and it devastaded me. I was misserable. I know the whole count your blessings, be thankfull for what you have and that everything happens at the right time, have faith in God and so forth. But when a woman desires to have a child, none of that matters. It matters but that desire, that need is stronger than anything else you ever felt. Your whole body physically hurts, your heart aches, and your soul seems empty :( . Infertility is one of the hardest things I ever dealt with in life. Harder than anything else. It will test your faith, your marriage, and every relationship you ever had (sorry kind of hard to smile and congratulate Suzie who got pregnant again without even trying or even wanting that child, when you are sitting there doing math calculations about temps, dpo and so forth). But you somehow find a way to put a smile in your face and move on. Foward we go!

I remeember sitting there one night right before Christmas crying because I was doing a search for something and read a quote that said :"I always dreamed of being a good mom. I thought the "good" would be the hard, not the mom". That struck a cord with me and made me cry so much. Why me? Why cant I be a mom? What have I done? Who did I piss off?? Was it because I didnt take care of Barbie well enough when I was 5? (never said I was thinking sane thoughts ;) ).

Well, somehow I survived through that Christmas and you know what?? January 15th I got my positive. Those 2 pink lines. OMG! Nothing mattered anymore. I was pregnant. The memories of that Christmas although faint still haunts me.

So as Christmas comes around again, and the kids are driving me nuts, and there is so much to do, so much shopping to accomplish, clothes to be bought, lines to be stood at for hours on end, and all the stress of the holiday, I try to stop and praise the Lord because there was a reason HE made me wait. I probably wont understand until much later, but one lesson from that I took. In the end HE is faithful. In the end, HE had a plan for me on his schedule, not mine. And my wish this year, is that HE also has a plan for you guys my friends who are dealing with it. I know your time seems like it will never come, but it will and if it doesnt, you will get peace of mind. Just have faith. I am praying for all of you and you know prayer is powerful :)

Much Love

1 comment:

Jen said...

I like the way you think. I hope there is a plan for me, too. I am thinking of you during this difficult time in your life, I know you are going through a lot right now.