Thursday, March 29, 2012

I am happy!!!

I am happy,

I am happy because I am living in the middle of a wonderful love story,

because I am healthy,

becuase I have healthy children,

because I have a strong faith I can rely on,

because I am married to a wonderful man and even though he is thousands of miles away, I can call him and he will patiently give me directions,

I am happy because my fridge is full, I have a roof over my head, and clothes for me and my children,

because I have a wonderful support system and friends that will listen to me day and night,

because I have the privilege of staying home with my kids,

because I have the privilege to persue my degree and my interests.

I am happy because I have been blessed 10 ways until Sunday.

Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect.

Some days the world brings me to my knees before 10 am.

Murphy is around, things break, problems happens, children act rotten

I cry, I scream, I have my days, I cuss, I drink too much wine and I watch too many hours of trashy tv and some days I just veg out.

I spend hours in my tub with my kindle getting lost in some other reality,

I will be the first one killed in a zombie apocalypse due to mistaken identity because I don't sleep well, and the closest thing to a healthy meal I eat is milano's with some grapes.

Some days, at the end of the day, my only accomplishment is having kept the kids alive even though they were acting rotten.

But life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you deal with it, and even though 3 deployments in 6 years is not my choosing, I chose to control what I can and that is how I deal with it.

So just because I am happy and not whining about it every day on facebook and I am choosing to focus on what I can control which is to better myself everyday and deal with everything that happens to me, does not mean I don't love my husband.

On the contrary, it means I love him more than enough to try to be a strong better wife and mother so that he can do his job in peace without worrying about me.

Love A

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Just what the doc prescribed

This has been a really rough week for me. My aunt passed away on Sunday morning and I was filled with sadness and even worse regret. You see I been promising to go home for the past 3 years since Juliet was born, and I still haven't made home. Deployments, moving, the fact that is now 4 tickets and this trip would cost a good $5k. I always had reasons to keep postponing. My aunt wanted to meet Juliet and she died without having that wish fulfilled.

All those reasons that I had before didn't seem good enough anymore. At the time, sure they felt like very good reasons, on Sunday they felt like excuses and it filled me with regret. I am 30 years old, I thought I was done with learning such important lessons, I have read fortune cookies, listened to famous quotes about time wasted, and yet I realized I don't know jack shit. I am still learning, and sometimes the lessons life teaches you hurt. They hurt a lot.

So yeah, to say its been a rough week its an understatement, so to not really deal with my feelings (because I don't have the time to fall apart), I drove myself into busy work. I cleaned garage floors, I packed, I organized, I cleaned my floors with toothbrushes, I have finished almost all my work for this quarter, but I was still broken. I was still sad and hurting.

Today I had absolutely nothing to do. My house is spotless. If I refold my sheets one more time, I will commit myself, so my friend suggested I start watching Greys Anatomy. I have never seen, 7 seasons are on netflix and a mindless numbing tv show will get my mind off things. Well I decided to follow her advice and started watching. It was just what I needed. To loose myself into some fictional drama and forget about my issues.

Everything was going great until one episode in which the main character said this quote :

--------------------------Meredith Grey: A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

I paused, rewinded and listened to it again and again and again. I needed it to sink in and it did. I had a wonderful cry in the shower, picked myself up and decided to try again. Try to be better, try to make better decisions, really seize the day, because what else could I do?? I don't have the time to fall apart, and I don't have time to dwell on my mistakes and I don't want to. I want to learn from them and try to turn each and every sadness into something positive.

Don't get me wrong, I still miss her and I am very very sad, but now I am finally thinking about the happy moments, all the laughter we shared and all the advice she gave me. I am thinking of my amazing aunt instead of being filled with regret and for right now, that is good enough.

Love A

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

There will always be cupcakes!

Deployment number 3 has officially started, and amazingly I am okay. Give me a couple of months and a wine/vodka/rum shortage and things might change, but so far so good. I think what really helped is my parents came in on friday. They love their son in law so much they couldn't let him leave without seeing him, and although some people might think its intruding, it isn't. My parents are very laid back, love their grandchildren to pieces, and as long as they have their grandkids to love adore and spoil, they could care less what we do, so it ended up working out great that we were able to steal away some moments for ourselves, also after I dropped him off, they kept me busy and entertained until today, when they finally left. So all in all it worked out perfectly. Having them here, after dh left, made the whole difference in the world. Also I surprised dh by dying my hair black before he left, and he was very happy. He has always wanted me to go darker because he thinks it would look great, I always been scared, well we compromised and I got a simple one that comes out in 28 shampoos. Needless to say dh was right, it looks awesome and I might even go permanent. He was one happy hubby.

Now I am back to routine and have a great feeling about all this. In about 8 weeks I will move, I have a class to finish before then and some packing to do, so hopefully that will keep me busy and after I move I will have the bestie to hang out with, I have a wedding in Brazil, in May that I am going to try my dang hardest to make it to, some more pounds to shed and a degree to finish, not to mention a new town to explore, and Georgetown cupcakes right around the corner to enjoy. Hey don't laugh but I actually have "try a Georgetown cupcake" on my bucket list (I don't know if its my inner fatty talking or my insanely obsession with the food channel, but we will just roll with it), so to be able to cross that off my list is amazing.
Visit Carlos bakery of Cake boss in Jersey is also on the list, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

So that is the extend of my deployment plans, one foot in front of the other, and hopefully I will be able to shine this year and get a ton accomplished, if not at least I will have a cupcake and cross an item off my list. What more can I ask for??

Love A