Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Thank God for sick days!!

The sun is trying so hard to break through the clouds and this ice cold chill we got going on. There is a very small patch of light entering through my back door and illuminating the carpet creating this beautiful rainbow of colors. Its absolutely beautiful, but not as breathtaking as the little man laying on my lap.

I gently stoke his face and rub his hair. I reach down and rub his piggies, and his belly. Just yesterday he was born. Just yesterday he turned my whole world upside down, just yesterday he was a baby. How yesterday seems so long ago its beyond me!!!

I take a deep breath and inhale his scent. Its different. A mix of this new toothpaste and shampoo he asked me to buy bc they are for big boys and not the baby stuff his sister uses. What happened to his baby smell??

His face is different, his expressions are different, even the way he breaths when he is sleeping is different. I should know, I spent many hours rocking him to sleep or watching him sleep afraid he would stop breathing.

I live with him, I have spent the past 5 years caring for him, how could I have missed these changes?

I am a firm believer in postponing the laundry, dishes and cleaning, for just one hour of sitting on the floor with them or chasing each other around the house in order to get one more belly laugh before dinner calls.

I have rocked him to sleep, cared for him and nurtured him, yet somehow these changes crept up and transformed my baby into a little man.

I rarely get nostalgic, but today I am. He is always running, playing, jumping, go, go, go. I joke that he lives on fast forward mode. Sometimes he will stop his running to come give me a kiss, but most of the time, I have to run after him.

But not today. Today he doesn't feel good, his head has been bugging him, and even though he told his dad he wanted to go to school, we decided to keep him home. He wasn't happy, tried to convince us that he was perfectly fine, even though you could see it in his eyes. After some more argument, putting up a front saying he was a big boy and that only babies stay home, he agreed.
His sister is fine, so she went.

Not him. You can tell that my active teddy bear doesn't feel good. Even though his words will say one thing, his eyes betray him. So this is a rare moment. Extremely rare in his world. He is always fine, have a stomach of steel, and great genes. But not today. Today something caught him and has iron grips on him.

Today he laid on my lap to watch some tv, and after some protest that he was fine not tired and should be in school, he fell asleep on my lap. The little man that wakes up with the roosters and hasn't napped since 18 months old is napping in the middle of the day.

Looking at him sleeping on my lap, I had a vision of him as a teenager, and that warmed my heart and scared me at the same time.

I want to freeze time. Time is flying way too fast, too fast for me to keep up with it, even though I read all the quotes,self help books and really listened to the regrets of the elder. I was prepared, yet I somehow just missed my baby's transformation.

So yeah, while I will never wish for them to be in pain and would gladly take away all their pain, today I am thankful for this sick day. Today I am thankful that my little man is home and I was given one more opportunity to caress his face and his piggies, and rub his head and daydream of the days he was a baby.

I better hurry though, because just like everything else, this won't last, and pretty soon he will be off running in a new direction with all the stamina and drive in the world.

Love A

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

*Moves the huge piles of papers to the side*

Hello world!!!

I am still alive. I don't feel very much alive but I still got a pulse, my heart is beating and my brain is mush. All is well.

I have been neglecting this blog and I am sorry. You see last year I turned 30 and decided I was going to pick a major and stick to it I don't care what it is, I need to finish. I graduated high school 11 years ago, have attended community college for who knows how long, collected a huge amount of credits, jumped from major to major with no end in sight.

Every time I mention I am going back to school someone has to hold their laughter. If I could be a student forever I would. I hated high school but love love college.

So I did some soul searching, researched some more and picked a path. I was going to give up on community college because moving every couple months is not feasible anymore and considering I have attended 3 community colleges in 3 different states, this path wasn't working for me.

I found a great university that is based out of Cali but has a satellite campus completely online. That means I can move 15 times in the next year and as long as I have internet, I can continue school. Considering moving 15 times in the next year seems feasible at this point in our lives, I signed up.

Then became the hard process of requesting all my transcripts. Then became the even harder part of actually picking a major.

Why oh why can't I major in paperwork or get a phd in typing or maybe a master's in eternal student?? Unfortunately none of those were offered, so I went with the next best thing BBA: Bachelor's in Business Administration.

I have no concentration because none of them interest me and they don't offer one in Health Administration. Graduating with a Bachelors without a concentration doesn't seem very smart. I am not sure if it is or if it isn't. I am just running with it at this point.

I applied for financial aid, and figured out I am 20 classes away from my degree. OMG!! That made this journey seem more doable. 20 classes might seem like a lot, but to me is just right there. If I kick it until high gear when dh deploys, I can possibly get my degree by the end of this year, beginning of next.

I took the leisure route, without wanting to, but somehow I will arrive at my destination. Way later than my peers, but at this point, I am just concentrating on the fact is I will have that dang degree. The rest the therapist will deal at another time ;)

The good thing about this school is they are very involved, they want you to succeed and offer every kind of help necessary. The bad thing is they are 8 week classes and extremely expensive.

You see when I started community college my dad paid for it providing I brought home good grades. After 2 years he had enough. I had jumped around from major to major and he wasn't going to pay for it anymore unless I picked something and stuck to it.

Enter my knight in shinning armor aka dh. School is not for him but he thinks its amazing I love it so much he has no problem paying for it. So for the next year on and off I worked and we both paid for it. After I left the work force, he started to pay for it. Granted we could only afford one or two classes per semester but I did.

A couple years later I took out my first pell grant. I got all my classes paid for my first semester of paralegal school. I was going to become a paralegal and that was it in my heart. I finished the semester with high grades and a realization that I never could become a paralegal. Too some time off and that brought us to the present day and time.

I got the pell grant but also had to take my first student loan because University is way more expensive that community college. (obvious fact here that the whole world knows except myself ;))

Well the pressure is on, my first class is : Statistics. holy fuck!!! I love Algebra and did extremely well in it. It was fun for me, I was thinking this was going to be the same. Yeah okay. I am drowning. Completely drowning. I spend hours and hours reading the text, watching the videos, and presentations, searching youtube, and I am still drowning.

Its making absolutely no sense to me. None!! but I am determined. I survive this I have 19 classes to go. I need this, so I am going to stuck to it. But OMG I doubt I will have any brain cells left by the end of the semester.

Thank God after this it seems smooth sailing with classes like Acct 2, Macro and mostly business related classes. None that will give me any major headaches. So survive this and you will be back on path is my new mantra.

That is the explanation for my absence. I promise once I get this or can fake it better, I will be back.

Have you ever had a class that made you feel like an idiot?? Share with me please. I need to know I am not alone ;)

PS: If you know anyone that rocks in Stats and want to make some extra money, send them my way ;)

Love A