Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Such a good book....

Sometimes a great book comes along that rocks your world. Well "Life as we knew it" has done that for me.

Its a dystopian novel geared towards YA. The protagonist is not whinny despite of the circumstances she has been throw into.

Miranda is a 16 yr old is worrying about boys and prom until an asteroid hits the moon and throws it off its axis. If you remember science class back in the 5th grade, you will know the moon controls the tides, so huge tsunamis hits everywhere, there is volcanic ash from the erupted volcanos that covers the sun. Electricity is scarce, survival is a must.

You know a book hits you so hard when after finishing reading, you are opening and closing your cabinets, wondering if you have enough canned veggies. Its written in diary format so easy to read, but a very dark novel. She goes in depth about how she feels her mom is eating less and so is she and her brother so her younger brother can survive longer. Kind of sacrificing themselves for him. Its a very raw look. At times I had to put it down because it really broke my heart.
I didn't like the ending because it didn't really end.

I read the 2nd one in the series called "The dead and the gone". Instead of being a second one in the series is more like a companion book. Same events but instead of being set in PA (always from the coastline) like "Life as we knew it" is, this one is set in NY and tells the story of Alex and his two sisters. Same event but it hits him completely different and he has to deal with a completely different set of problems than Miranda did in the first book.

The 3rd one is "This world we live in" is the last in the series and does answer a lot of questions that you had left from book 1 and 2.

So, if you are looking for something that will captivate you from beginning to end, pick this up.

Love A

Almost wordless Tuesday...

I keep my brother company during time out because I love him, or maybe because I want some credit for the next time I play with the flour mommy left on the counter.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Thank you, thank you :)

Lately I been on a funk/pity party/woe me fiesta, that would drive even the most sane person insane.

I miss my husband so much. Just after r&r sucks, because when he was home, it just made me realize even more, how life is better with him around and how much he adds to it.
5 months or so that we have left seems like an eternity. Oh why me?? Why us?? Why do we have to go through this?? Why cant I have my husband in town all the time?

I been sounding like a very popular protagonist in a extremely popular teen series. You know vampire, sparkly....rings a bell? ;)

I know, I know, that bad!!!!?!?!?!??!

Every single time the kids does something cute or adorable, it just tugs at my heart and makes me realize even more he is not here enjoying this. It takes away some of the joy. Its like a happy/sad joy.

I have been robbed some joy in my life. After our first miscarriage, any subsequent pregnancy after that was filled with pure worry and stress. Yes I have been very lucky to have given birth to 2 beautiful perfect kids, but I will still think about that, anytime I see someone really happy enjoying their pregnancy. 2 kids later, 5 yrs later and it still pains me and I somewhat feel robbed of the whole pregnancy carefree mindset.

So anyways, I am afraid that these special moments with the kids where I am happy but sad at the same time because dh is missing it, will still cause me pain years from now. Like when I am 40, I will be still grieving for these missed years. I have said many many times how lucky I am to be home with them, so raise and guide them, how much joy and fulfillment it brings me. I want to soak it all in and not miss a drop of it. I want it all.

I whine, and I cry, and I just been in a rut because of the unfairness of him missing so much. I know everything happens for a reason, I trust in God too much to think there was a paperwork mistake and that I am not supposed to go through this, but because of a shortage in staff I got stuck. Nah. I know there is a purpose for the way things are working out. No accident or mistake. We have to go through this because.......????This because is what keeps me up at night.
I feel if you dont learn your lesson from something, you will keep repeating the same mistake until the lesson finally sinks in. Well I havent learned much or even anything at all yet. The first deployment, while rough, I grew a lot and learned many good lessons that I still carry with me today.

This one I feel like I am just existing, like I am going through the motions. One step in front of the other, many tugs into my big girl panties so I dont end up a slobbering mess on the floor throwing a tantrum so big that would put some 2 yr olds to shame and have Super Nanny throw her hands up in the air.

Then we go back to the fact that I havent learned anything yet so does that mean this lesson will continue on and on?? Will something happen that will keep him from coming home?? OMG what am I supposed to learn?? Some guidance please....

and the cycle repeats. Hence why my rut.

Well today flipping through the channels I landed on OWN. Everyone knows I am a big Oprah fan and ever since she started her own channel, I have made an effort to check it out. Well today the show was titled.."I am pregnant...". I didn't read the info and just started watching.

Well the info would have told me its "I am pregnant and homeless". Watching their struggles, her need and want to nest and living out of a tent in the wood or at the back of their van. Their worry about social services taking her child away, panhandling for a little bit of money, her having lost 15lbs during pregnancy, it just tore my heart like a powerful paper shredder.

Here I am mourning at having been robbed the carefree mind set that comes with pregnancy and here is this woman having been robbed so much more. My situation was 10 times easier than hers, and yet I am still feeling robbed??

What the heck is wrong with me?? What happened to believing in the little things?? Having faith in all and being thankful for every breath we take because its all a gift???

I am sure for a wife that have lost her husband, her pain is continuous. It will never end, unlike mine ,that will end in a couple months.

I was in desperate need of an eye opening, and God provided, through a tv show. You might think I am grasping at whatever I can, and I probably am, but it was perfect. It brought me right back to reality and completely out of the fiesta I was having.

I cant say for certain that I am going to be thankful for every single little moment, that I am going to appreciate everything like a gift. Its how we should be, but unfortunately at least me, I am human, falling is a lot easier than succeeding, but I can promise that from now on, I will try very hard. I will enjoy every moment, my husband will God willing, have plenty of time to enjoy his moments with the kids when he comes home and I am napping, or vacationing in Cabo with only me, myself and my kindle ;)

I dont need to grief for him or borrow trouble. I need to just enjoy every little moment I have and treat it for what it is, a wonderful gift that brings me pure joy. Not worry or trouble or sadness, just joy.

I still don't know what my lesson is, but thank God I still got 5 months to figure it out ;)


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tuesday Prayer...

No dont worry, I am not getting all religious on you guys,I havent become a Bible thumper, and I wont be knocking on your door tomorrow morning :)

I just received this prayer, thought it was really nice and decided to share :

Please feel free to return to your life of sin, right after answering the door ;)

Love A

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Barely hanging on....

This weekend had no prospects of turning into a good weekend. By friday I had noticed I lost my partial. After tearing my whole house apart and still not finding it, I was in a piss mood. Have I mentioned how much I dislike looking for something??

Friday night I decided to put on a happy face and just enjoy my weekend. A couple of weeks ago after pulling their pool out of storage, and filling it up, I noticed that the 2 yrs it was in storage, they had completely outgrown their pool.

Exhibit A

So I went to Walmart and purchased a brand new one. During the week we were so busy running around, I promised Tyler Saturday I would fill it up for them. Saturday seems like a long long time when you are 4. After counting the day every day and reassuring him for the millionth time that Monday, Wed and Friday were not Saturday and that Saturday had not come and gone while he was sleeping, Saturday finally arrived. Bright and early he woke me up at 5:30 and asked me to fill up the pool. After handing him my phone and begging for 10 more minutes, I rolled out of bed at 7 and after breakfast, went outside to fill up their bright shinny new pool. I look up at the sky and gloom is staring back at me. Oh no!!!

I bribed them and told them to wait 1 hr to see if the sun would come out. Not even 20 minutes later, there is a huge thunderstorm brewing. By this time I am starting to worry. Have you ever been inside a house with 2 kids who think they are going to get to play in a pool they been waiting for 7 whole days?? They act like daemons. No other way to describe it.

It rained and rained and rained. The harder it rained, the more cabin fever they got. No amount of movies, play dough, coloring or legos could make them happy. By 3pm I was loosing my mind and it was still pouring. At this point I may or may not have had a pity party.

By 3:30 pm, I may or may not have had a glass of wine.I was on the edge and falling fast. All my plans of them playing in the pool while I lounge by and read my book were shot by mother nature. Oh the unfairness of having a whole week of sunshine and horrible thunderstorms on Saturday. Mother nature is a woman. She know how kids act while couped up inside.

After my glass of wine and reorganizing my frazzled mind, I had a bright idea. To the tub with a bottle of bubbles they went. Oh peace and quiet for a good 40 minutes. Instead of lounging in the sun with my book, I was sitting on the toilet basking in fluorescent light,keeping an eye on them.Huge mess in the bathroom to clean, but hey small price to pay.

After coming out of the water completely pruned up, they were happy and calm and my sweet normal children again. We baked and watched movies and just had a good ol time. Parenting win ;)

On sunday, I had no hopes for sunshine and you know what?? Sunshine greeted me at 8 am. It was a beautiful hot muggy day. Perfect for pool day. I filled it up and they had a blast.

My book was a crappy one, but the children played and played and wore themselves out. Heaven.

One more week down. I have survived another week. Barely hanging on by a thread but I did.

Hey no one said survival was calm cool collected and classy at the time ;)

Love A

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Awkward family photos ..

On of my absolutely favorite websites is Awkward family photos. Here is the link in case you havent been fortunate enough to find this gem on your own: http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com

I have spent hours and hours just browsing, laughing and just shaking my head. Any kind of glimpse into other peoples life and I am all for it. Hence why I love love blogs, pictures of peoples home, children, pets and etc. I love to see how everyone else lives, even if they still keep yucky plastic covers on their couches to protect them...*shakes head*

So, today I snapped a picture of the kids because its been a couple days since I have sent a picture to the hubby and God forbid I go 3 days without sending him a picture, he will whine and complain more than that crazy neurotic aunt everyone has that is always asking for picture.

Well I told the kids "Tyler hug your sister" because I wanted to show hubby her new skirt and get his approval (Oh yeah he is one of those overprotective fathers who wont let her wear a 2 piece, belly shirt or short skirt). When he was home, he was even complaining about some short shorts. If it were for him, she would wear a parka 24/7. His excuse is that he still remembers what went through his mind when he was a kid and saw a cute girl in short shorts. He forgets she is 2 not 13. Yep I know, it will only get worse from now on..lol.

But anyways, this is how the picture came out..

No, it wont win most awkward photo of the year, but its a close call

Love A

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Beach fun, bath joke :)

Today we had a fun fun day at the beach...

and later while giving the kids a bath, we had an awesome surprise. While washing Ju's hair, not only did a bucket of sand fell off, she also had a seashell and a leaf stuck on her hair. Tyler thought it was hilarious. He seriously started cracking up and he was laughing so much he peed. Then he was amazed. I guess that is the first time this has happened for him, the look on his face was priceless. He didn't know how to handle it.. never a dull moment around here...lol

Love A

Friday, April 8, 2011

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!!?

I am a very stressed out person as it is, but when its a stressful situation, something like a hurricane, or a blizzard, I am actually very calm. I do well in chaos. Calm makes me panic because everyone knows its calm before the storm, and the calmness of things stresses me because of the expectation.

Well right now more than anything, I wish I still lived in a military base. I have wonderful memories of our last winter there. The weather man said we were going to get 2-4' of snow. In NC terms, you would think they were preparing for 30'. The guys got to come home early to prepare, the base would be shut down, complete chaos. Never really living in a snow climate, I didnt know what to do. I went outside to smoke, and overheard my neighbors freaking out that we would get more than 4' of snow, and maybe we wouldnt be able to leave our houses to buy food and not even pizza would be delivered.

Keep in mind I live in hurricane town. Before every hurricane, all you see is people coming out of Home Depot with tons of plywood, and out of the grocery store carrying cases and cases of banana flavor water. Yep the one that never sells??

Having lived through a couple of hurricanes myself including one that we ended up loosing power for over a wk, I know I need diet coke, coffee, cookies/chocolate, cigs, and bread. That will keep me sane and happy for a long time. Anything else I can do without for a while.

Well I am in NC, I have 2 kids, one in formula, and they eat. The prospect of going without food for days, being couped up inside, I need to go buy food now and maybe a couple bottles of malibu. I pack up the kids and head to the commissary. I arrived at the parking lot and turned right around. People were panicking and running out of the store with their carts full. Carrying lots of flavored water, and all kinds of other junk. I didn't have the guts to go inside. I just stayed in the parking lot for a while, watching the chaos. Ppl get so mad over the possibility of going without goldfishes :)

Well everything ended up working out allright. Dh came home with a bottle of milk, diet coke, a loaf of bread, a can of formula, and some weird cookies I never seen before. We were going to be okay. Even more with dh's laughter. He is the one that will tell you growing up in PA, he walked to school uphill on 15' + of snow. To him this panic was hillarious.

Well right now Congress is preparing for shut down if they dont agree on a budget, military and many civillian personal might not get paid at all or might only get half of their pay. While I think its extremely sad, and should have never come to this, I also think its hillarious the way people are acting.

My fb is full of status urging everyone to stock pile food, to join pages that will help the military get paid, anti Obama pages, you name it. The chaos in all of this is absolutely insane.

Sane, most of the time rational human beings are acting like children on pcp. It scares to think how they will act when its a major catastrophe like what Japan is going through, or when its really close to the end of the world. To someone upstairs, we will truly look like chickens with our heads cut off.

So yes, I would have loved to be in a military post, watching ppl come out of the grocery store with banana flavor water, some stale cookies, some valentines day candy, with a proud look on their face feeling they are prepared and have acted in a rational manner in the face of disaster :)

Love A

Monday, April 4, 2011

March books...

I have read many good books this month...

The Millennium trilogy aka :The girl with the dragon tattoo, The girl who played with fire and The girl who kicked the hornets nest.

I am not going to review those for 2 reasons:

1.If you haven't read them yet, you have been living under a rock for the past couple months and 2. most likely you have already read many reviews about them much better than ones I can provide. You dont need another one. Welcome ;)

But I am going to review the other 2 I have read because those are kind of obscure and not as popular but just as good.

The first is a book called "A knight in shinning Armor" by Jude Deveraux.

My bff is a major fan of Jude and have read pretty much everything about her, considering the obscene amount of hours we spend talking about books, her tastes have rubbed on me.
So I picked up this gem and was so glad I did.

The core of the book is pathetic rich girl gets dumped by major looser, girl falls in love with boy from 16th century, girl denies this love, they time travel and their love survives through centuries and etc...
The love story was great, the character were well thought out, the story flowed, all good things, but what made me really enjoy this book was when she compares medicine but most importantly motherhood from the 16th century to the 21st century.

I watch that show "Sister wives" and get a pang of jealousy. No I don't want to be in a marriage like that, and I am too jealous to share my husband, no, my pang of jealousy comes from the friendship they have and living with other people.
Right now my life is very lonely. All of my friends lives hundreds of miles away and my other half aka the hubby is thousands of miles away. His presence is so strong in my life, heart and house, when he leaves, there is this huge void, so big that makes me jealous of a polygamy relationship.

Back on track, the point is the author compares our lives today to the 16th century. No one was alone. You had so many servants in your castle, everyone had a job, no one had to handle everything alone. You didn't have to juggle a career, be a kick arse wife, be a wonderful cleaner, you just had to do your duty and be. No tv, no technology to disconnect you from your partner. None of that. She goes in depth even more.
I truly believe I was born in the wrong century...lol.

So anyways pick it up and read it, you will enjoy it :)

The second book I am going to talk about is "A girl like you (Donovan Creed series)" by John Locke.

My first taste of John Locke was "Saving Rachel". It was 99cents had good reviews and even though its not my usual cup of tea, I decided to get it. It was 99 cents, there not much to think about it. Well I fell in love with it and then realized it was like the 4th one in the series. So I went back and read every single one that was part of the series back to back. They are all 99 cents and worth so much more.

Donovan Creed is a pompous, always right, ex CIA, current for hire killer. Its so much more though. His inner dialogue makes you agree with whatever insanity he is planning. He is funny also to boot. Funny in a rough edge kind of way. This latest one didnt disappoint at all. Its a Action, adventure, thriller, comedy, all wrapped up in a tiny adorable little package.

So please pick up this series, just make sure you dont start on it before bed time, or like me, you will stay up all night reading :)

Love A

Oh faith where art thou??

Today my 2 yr old had eye surgery. They have wanted to do this surgery since she was 6 months. I put my foot down and postponed until now and boy am I glad I did. At 6 months old I am not going to put a child under the knife for something that had a 30% chance of correcting on its own.

From my many hours of googling, I learned children's eyes do most of their development until they are 5. 6 months was too young and I didnt feel right and after many hours of prayers, I went against doctors, parents, everyone and said I was going to postpone her surgery. Such a good decision. Her eye has improved dramatically. People that didn't really know us, were sure she had surgery. The improvement was nothing short of a miracle. Before they wanted to cut 2 muscles., now only one was necessary.

So while husband was home we tried to schedule the surgery so I wouldn't have to go through this alone and dh wanted to be there. Well the downside of having the best doctor in the state is that you cant get a appt when you want. Your best luck is to do one for a month away. After quick not really any consideration we decided to wait for the best than to go with the 2nd best.

Today at 4:30 am I got a phone call from my husband waking me up (i was so afraid I was going to oversleep)...no chance of that I barerly slept. Visions of germs, contamination, wrong measures, a drunken anesthesiologist, danced all over my head through the night.

By this morning I was a bundle of nerves. But I trekked on, she was a trooper and everything went great. She didnt even get sick from the anesthesia and by this afternoon she was already being her sweet adorable self, well except when she screams and points her little finger at me, calls me a baby and refuses the drops. It seriously couldnt have gone better.

Well this afternoon after she was napping, and I was laying on the floor by her crib, different thoughts started to flood my head and I started to cry. Maybe from the stress leaving me but my persistent thought was "Where is my faith??"

I claim I have faith, I trust in God, through Him everything is possible, I know that and believe that wholeheartedly, but yet when something happens, my faith is weak and leaves me. I start bargaining and asking God to take me instead of her, and I get scared very scared. Through each trial in our lives, I get mad, get angry, get upset, than ressign myself, my pride, my feelings and somehow get my faith restrenght and believe again. Its so much better on this side, why do I still get angry and get mad??

God has never disappointed me. He has always been there for me and even if HE didnt give me what I want, He gave me a shoulder to cry on. After so many years you would have thought I would have learned this by now and would save myself a lot of worry, stress, heartache and just believe from the beginning. Truly believe. Not this pathetic kind of thing I am doing.

My best friend once said : "If you're looking for enemies, take a look in the mirror. That's the one son of a bitch who's going to beat you every time" and it stuck with me.

We are our own worse enemies, we judge our self more harshly than necessary, we hold ourselves up to insanely impossible standards and then beat ourselves up when we dont achieve it.

I am just so glad God is more wise, more loving than I am and that for this waiver He will (probably already) has forgiven me, but I am going to still trying to find ways to strengthen my faith, because honestly, my life is so much better and improves dramatically the more faith I have.

Love A