Thursday, November 28, 2013

Oh so thankful

It's thanksgiving, a time to stop and be thankful and spend the whole month sharing what we are thankful for, before we indulge in gluttony and finally arrive in December so true joy can come and so can Santa. Everyone has spent the whole month on facebook sharing what they are thankful for. I love it and in order to join the crowds and attempt at being cool, I am going to do it here and list 30 things I am truly thankful for. Of course without breaking the pattern, in Ally's fashion, its late and a little bit different because if you don't know already that I am thankful for God, husband, kids, family, health, etc etc etc, then you need another drink ;)

1. I am thankful for orgasms. Sometimes one is just about the only thing that can fix a crappy day, not to mention a headache.

2. I am thankful for spanx. No one except my truly forgiving/blind husband needs to see all the side effects of all the olives I eat ;)

3. I am thankful for liquor. Wine, malibu, whiskey, gasoline, whatever I need at the end of the day to feel like a sane human being.

4. I am thankful for walls and time out. Because sometimes this mommy just needs a break before she ends up on the news.

5. I am thankful for coffee. I am incapable of being a pleasant human being without it.

6. I am thankful for Santa who doesn't give presents based on merit, because only he knows I haven't deserved one since about 1983.

7. I am thankful for the hide option on facebook. No I don't care to see every single day every single day the drama you post, but when I need a laugh, its easy to unhide it.

8. I am thankful for chocolate, chips, cookies, cakes, and all things yummy. Sometimes the only way I can deal with your stupid ass is by knowing there will be a little pot of yumminess to make it up for it. Also works for birthday party and dealing with bratty kids.

9. I am thankful for my friends. They are truly good people with hearts of gold who are ready at a moments notice to bury a body in case I need it. Also they are so insane sometimes they make me feel sane.

10. I am thankful for my ability to quickly get shit done. How else would I be lazy until 3:40 and then quickly clean the house and make dinner so my husband can walk in the door at 4pm and think I busted my ass all day???

11. I am thankful for my meds. I am not currently sitting in jail because of them!

12. I am thankful for underwire because the only thing perky on my body is my nipples on a cold day.

13. I am thankful for quick paint touch up. No honestly he doesn't really need to know how many times I have hit the curb,other cars, shopping carts, ...............

14. I am thankful for take out. Yeah I am a good cook, but honey sometimes I just don't feel like putting in the effort but want the praise!

15. I am thankful for tampons. No wonder teens are all depressed, I would be too if I still had to wear what felt like a diaper once a month.

16. I am thankful for awesome cleaning products that makes me pass off as susie homemaker when actually I am lazy Peggy Bundy.

17. I am thankful for hidden savings account. He loves and adores me only because of my ability to hide how much I truly spend at Target.

18. I am thankful for Tums. Self control is a thing of the past.

19. I am thankful for all the crazy mothers out there. I pinched my kid in public?? Oh well she made hers sit outside tied to a post. You are a great mother. The bar has been lowered.

20. I am thankful for lollipops and bribery. Without them everyone in town would know how little control I have over these little dictators.

21. I am thankful for good family members. Every family got one and its the only way we can put up with the crappy ones.

22. I am thankful for convenience. Sometimes going out in pjs is a necessity and no one needs to know it because of drive thru.

23. I am thankful for all the shitty people in the world. They serve as examples for how awesome I am, and each and every day I get to say to myself "I am fucking awesome because I am not like so and so"

24. I am thankful for spell check. It helps me to sound somewhat literate and not be one of those that people make fun of because they misspell definitely.

25. I am thankful for all the mommy wars on the internet. They help keep me grounded and really worry about the important shit.

26. I am thankful for the bff code. Yeah I talk shit, you do it, I do it, we all do it, but because of the bff code, its always on the down low.

27. I am thankful for the internet. It has answered every peculiar question without judgement.

28. I am also thankful for the ability to clear a browsing history. I don't want to shock anyone with my peculiar questions or curiosity like dolphin rape, vaginoplasty, how flamingos have sex, so on and so forth.

29. I am thankful for public school. Yeah as much as this mommy loves them, she is not well or medicated enough to keep them happy, healthy and entertained 365 days of the year.

30. and last but not least I am thankful for you. Either you are making me feel normal or insane and only I know it which way the pendulum is swinging ;)

Love A.


Anonymous said...

Absolutely love this list!!!

Katrina said...

I'm also thankful for most of what's on your list -- except I don't do coffee. I know! Can you believe that? I just don't like the stuff. Never have. And with 10 children and one more growing in the belly, you'd think I would be living off coffee. But nope, I just never got into it.