Friday, January 9, 2009


Its january 9th of a brand new year and I am already whinning/feeling like I am loosing my fucking mind?? are you serious?? I didnt expect this until after feb the earliest..but here we are.

On tues I found out I have GD. You are supossed to find out at 28wks but because of PCS and etc, everything got screwed up and I didnt find out until 35 1/2 weeks.
That has been a stress on its own. Scotty is in this class that he has to finish. No if's and's or buts. Even though I got a note from my doctor and etc that he is needed, he still has to finish. Welcome to Army life. No I cant complain about that too much. The sgt has been very nice and told him that the days he doesnt have a test he can leave early or whatever but the days he has a test he has to stay because he has to pass this class. Well he misses too much and he misses the information so therefore we kind of stuck.
Also his car is not working and if he had to just stay in the class all freaking day I would have dropped him off in the morning and kept the car all day. Well he is not. He is all over the place. He goes to class then has to go to his unit to do this then run here and there to do paperwork. With 1 car only its killing us.

So yesterday by the grace of God, daycare on post had an opening. At lunch, Scotty came home, we dropped Tyler off at daycare and I dropped Scotty off at class and went to do a Non Stress Test. They want me to do this twice a week. Not going to happen and I already heard from the nurse how important this is for my child. I FUCKING KNOW THAT OKAY BUT ITS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO MAKE TO THE CLINIC TWICE A WEEK AND SIT THERE FOR 20 TO 40 MINUTES WITHOUT TAKING TYLER. If its so important, you should have offered some kind of childcare or something because not all of us have the luxury of just dumping our kids off somewhere and sitting there.
So fine I do the NST. Pick up Tyler and Scotty and come home. I am exhausted by this point and pretty much just lay in the couch.

Well today I started testing my blood sugar and it came out really high. They told me if it came out high for 2 readings, to call the nurse for advice. I call her and she is absolutly bitching at me. Want to know why? Because I had a glass of juice, toast and a piece of apple for breakfast. OMG. She is completetly flippping out and telling me why did I choose to do that if the class taught me different. UHh what class?? The one that is only offered on wed's and since I just found out on wed I kind of missed that one and I am waiting for next wed to try to make it?? That class? Ohh okay.
Yeahh thanks for making me feel like shitty mom of the year.
So everything is just fucked up. My sugar being so high explains the extreme exhaustion. So at least I know I am not loosing mind. I just want to cry. My anxiety/depression is through the roof. I need my meds but cant go back on them until after the baby is born. I only have 3 wks left until my scheduled csection but it seems like 3 years. I dont know how I will make it.
I highly doubt Scotty will be able to finish his class and pass, I will get my sugar under control, this baby will cook until she is supossed to and Tyler will come out of this unhurt (since we havent paid much attention to him and I am just too exhausted to have any patience left). So one of those things will suffer and I dont know wich one will be and I feel so guilty.
Any other time I would be taking my meds and my levels would be normal, I would know its not my fault and I am not a burden and to blame for everything, but since that is not the case right now I am just feeling so crappy and like everything is my fault and I did something to warrant this and everything is falling apart.

I seriouslly dont know what to do :(. any advice? anyone?

God, look at how whinny pathetic I sound.

1 comment:

Laura said...

You're not pathetic and whiney. You're in a crappy situation and trying to do the best you can. You're not a shitty mom, you're doing the best you can to take care of two kidlets, one's just still baking.

If you call the nurse and she yells at you again, tell her to shut up and let you talk to someone who WON'T yell at you and make you feel worse.

You can make it three weeks with out your anxiety/depression meds. You've made it this far, you can make it just a few more weeks. Take it one day at a time. If you need to talk, send me an email, I check it pretty much all the time and will get back with you. Depression sucks and there's so little that people can say to make you feel better. Depression and anxiety together really suck, because you have so little hope and faith in yourself and you worry about it. I completely understand, I'm there. You've had a lot thrown at you all at once, just one day at a a time is all you need to focus on.