Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Oh sooo close..

Everyone that is not friends with me on facebook has been asking whats up with my weight loss. I mean I created a whole new tab in this blog just to talk about it.

When I started this journey, I became obsessed. I would weigh, measure myself and my food, than I hit stalls and would freak out. "OMG this is not going to work for me. I am destined to be fat..blah blah blah".
Finally I got so busy I didn't have time to do all of this anymore that took so much out of my life.

Something extraordinary happened, the less I worried, the more I lost. I went to Brazil and indulged, I bought Cheetos for the first time in years and years and really enjoyed every single crumb and even licked my orange dusted fingers. I went out to lunch with friends and ordered whatever I pleased. Granted instead of a whole bag of chips I can maybe have a tiny bag, instead of appetizer, main course, and dessert, I can only manage appetizer, but it wasn't just boring healthy stuff. It was deep fried and delicious except now everything was on moderation. Life was good, and the scale was moving the right direction. I got 5 lbs away from goal and was so happy with myself, until of course I hit a stall and here I am. If we don't count these last 5lbs, I would have been at goal 9  months post op. 90 lbs lost. Except I been fighting with these 5lbs for 2 months now and they are not going anywhere. Everyone tells me I am at goal and to just be happy, and don't get me wrong, I am happy, this is the best thing I ever did in my life. I feel wonderful, have to so much energy and food doesn't control me anymore. Except, goal is goal and I am 5 lbs from goal.

Also, last night after surviving the storm of the century, I realized how I still turn to food. Last week at the supermarket if you were a little fly and could read thoughts you would see a woman standing in front of the containers of nutella going "Should I or shouldn't I??" Finally her little devil sitting on her shoulder said "I am going to buy nutella. I have lost almost 90 lbs, I am mature and have self control" and I happily walked to the cash register and paid for my purchases, including my beautiful jar of nutella that I hadn't bought in over a year. I completely forgot about it until last night. I was so stressed, I had 3 tablespoons of nutella. Now in the grand scheme of things, 3 tablespoons of nutella is not going to do it anything, its not like I am bathing in it and my pores are seeping it and turning into fat 24/7. But it just shocked me, how little self control I have and how food is still a comfort for me. I don't know if this is only a fat girl things, or even skinny people with amazing bodies, still use food for comfort??

Fear also creeped up. I don't want to go back to "the before". Not only for vanity reasons or the fact that I am really enjoying buying size 10's. I don't want to go back to the before, because in the before, that girl wasn't happy, she was depressed and not really living. A complete 180 from who she is today.

So, this morning I am back to the basics, lots of protein, lots of water and no nutella or cheetos for a while, because I set up to do something when I started this and that was to reach 150lbs and 155 is not 150. I know its close and all but its not goal.

Wish me luck :)


Before 240 lbs size 22-23, After:  11 months post op 155lbs size 10 or 8 depending on brand.


Jen said...

You are beautiful in both pictures but you really shine on the right :)

I have never been heavy but I have a very bad relationship with food. I was allowing myself to buy bags of gummy bears a few weeks ago when Nolan was sleeping poorly. I would eat that instead of lunch :( gross. It's an ongoing struggle, and dont beat yourself up over it.

Congrats on your hard work! You lool so happy :)

Karen said...

You look absolutely amazing! :) Gorgeous! And I agree with Jen...congratulations on your hard work. I know that it must not have been easy. Also, don't beat yourself up. I am a huge proponent of everything in moderation! Again, you look fabulous!

Ally said...

Thank you guys. I really appreciate it and it is hard to find the balance and to have a healthy relationship with food.