Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Thank you, thank you :)

Lately I been on a funk/pity party/woe me fiesta, that would drive even the most sane person insane.

I miss my husband so much. Just after r&r sucks, because when he was home, it just made me realize even more, how life is better with him around and how much he adds to it.
5 months or so that we have left seems like an eternity. Oh why me?? Why us?? Why do we have to go through this?? Why cant I have my husband in town all the time?

I been sounding like a very popular protagonist in a extremely popular teen series. You know vampire, sparkly....rings a bell? ;)

I know, I know, that bad!!!!?!?!?!??!

Every single time the kids does something cute or adorable, it just tugs at my heart and makes me realize even more he is not here enjoying this. It takes away some of the joy. Its like a happy/sad joy.

I have been robbed some joy in my life. After our first miscarriage, any subsequent pregnancy after that was filled with pure worry and stress. Yes I have been very lucky to have given birth to 2 beautiful perfect kids, but I will still think about that, anytime I see someone really happy enjoying their pregnancy. 2 kids later, 5 yrs later and it still pains me and I somewhat feel robbed of the whole pregnancy carefree mindset.

So anyways, I am afraid that these special moments with the kids where I am happy but sad at the same time because dh is missing it, will still cause me pain years from now. Like when I am 40, I will be still grieving for these missed years. I have said many many times how lucky I am to be home with them, so raise and guide them, how much joy and fulfillment it brings me. I want to soak it all in and not miss a drop of it. I want it all.

I whine, and I cry, and I just been in a rut because of the unfairness of him missing so much. I know everything happens for a reason, I trust in God too much to think there was a paperwork mistake and that I am not supposed to go through this, but because of a shortage in staff I got stuck. Nah. I know there is a purpose for the way things are working out. No accident or mistake. We have to go through this because.......????This because is what keeps me up at night.
I feel if you dont learn your lesson from something, you will keep repeating the same mistake until the lesson finally sinks in. Well I havent learned much or even anything at all yet. The first deployment, while rough, I grew a lot and learned many good lessons that I still carry with me today.

This one I feel like I am just existing, like I am going through the motions. One step in front of the other, many tugs into my big girl panties so I dont end up a slobbering mess on the floor throwing a tantrum so big that would put some 2 yr olds to shame and have Super Nanny throw her hands up in the air.

Then we go back to the fact that I havent learned anything yet so does that mean this lesson will continue on and on?? Will something happen that will keep him from coming home?? OMG what am I supposed to learn?? Some guidance please....

and the cycle repeats. Hence why my rut.

Well today flipping through the channels I landed on OWN. Everyone knows I am a big Oprah fan and ever since she started her own channel, I have made an effort to check it out. Well today the show was titled.."I am pregnant...". I didn't read the info and just started watching.

Well the info would have told me its "I am pregnant and homeless". Watching their struggles, her need and want to nest and living out of a tent in the wood or at the back of their van. Their worry about social services taking her child away, panhandling for a little bit of money, her having lost 15lbs during pregnancy, it just tore my heart like a powerful paper shredder.

Here I am mourning at having been robbed the carefree mind set that comes with pregnancy and here is this woman having been robbed so much more. My situation was 10 times easier than hers, and yet I am still feeling robbed??

What the heck is wrong with me?? What happened to believing in the little things?? Having faith in all and being thankful for every breath we take because its all a gift???

I am sure for a wife that have lost her husband, her pain is continuous. It will never end, unlike mine ,that will end in a couple months.

I was in desperate need of an eye opening, and God provided, through a tv show. You might think I am grasping at whatever I can, and I probably am, but it was perfect. It brought me right back to reality and completely out of the fiesta I was having.

I cant say for certain that I am going to be thankful for every single little moment, that I am going to appreciate everything like a gift. Its how we should be, but unfortunately at least me, I am human, falling is a lot easier than succeeding, but I can promise that from now on, I will try very hard. I will enjoy every moment, my husband will God willing, have plenty of time to enjoy his moments with the kids when he comes home and I am napping, or vacationing in Cabo with only me, myself and my kindle ;)

I dont need to grief for him or borrow trouble. I need to just enjoy every little moment I have and treat it for what it is, a wonderful gift that brings me pure joy. Not worry or trouble or sadness, just joy.

I still don't know what my lesson is, but thank God I still got 5 months to figure it out ;)


No comments: