Monday, April 4, 2011

Oh faith where art thou??

Today my 2 yr old had eye surgery. They have wanted to do this surgery since she was 6 months. I put my foot down and postponed until now and boy am I glad I did. At 6 months old I am not going to put a child under the knife for something that had a 30% chance of correcting on its own.

From my many hours of googling, I learned children's eyes do most of their development until they are 5. 6 months was too young and I didnt feel right and after many hours of prayers, I went against doctors, parents, everyone and said I was going to postpone her surgery. Such a good decision. Her eye has improved dramatically. People that didn't really know us, were sure she had surgery. The improvement was nothing short of a miracle. Before they wanted to cut 2 muscles., now only one was necessary.

So while husband was home we tried to schedule the surgery so I wouldn't have to go through this alone and dh wanted to be there. Well the downside of having the best doctor in the state is that you cant get a appt when you want. Your best luck is to do one for a month away. After quick not really any consideration we decided to wait for the best than to go with the 2nd best.

Today at 4:30 am I got a phone call from my husband waking me up (i was so afraid I was going to oversleep) chance of that I barerly slept. Visions of germs, contamination, wrong measures, a drunken anesthesiologist, danced all over my head through the night.

By this morning I was a bundle of nerves. But I trekked on, she was a trooper and everything went great. She didnt even get sick from the anesthesia and by this afternoon she was already being her sweet adorable self, well except when she screams and points her little finger at me, calls me a baby and refuses the drops. It seriously couldnt have gone better.

Well this afternoon after she was napping, and I was laying on the floor by her crib, different thoughts started to flood my head and I started to cry. Maybe from the stress leaving me but my persistent thought was "Where is my faith??"

I claim I have faith, I trust in God, through Him everything is possible, I know that and believe that wholeheartedly, but yet when something happens, my faith is weak and leaves me. I start bargaining and asking God to take me instead of her, and I get scared very scared. Through each trial in our lives, I get mad, get angry, get upset, than ressign myself, my pride, my feelings and somehow get my faith restrenght and believe again. Its so much better on this side, why do I still get angry and get mad??

God has never disappointed me. He has always been there for me and even if HE didnt give me what I want, He gave me a shoulder to cry on. After so many years you would have thought I would have learned this by now and would save myself a lot of worry, stress, heartache and just believe from the beginning. Truly believe. Not this pathetic kind of thing I am doing.

My best friend once said : "If you're looking for enemies, take a look in the mirror. That's the one son of a bitch who's going to beat you every time" and it stuck with me.

We are our own worse enemies, we judge our self more harshly than necessary, we hold ourselves up to insanely impossible standards and then beat ourselves up when we dont achieve it.

I am just so glad God is more wise, more loving than I am and that for this waiver He will (probably already) has forgiven me, but I am going to still trying to find ways to strengthen my faith, because honestly, my life is so much better and improves dramatically the more faith I have.

Love A

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