I just finished a book called "The Shack". Its a must read for everyone. It's a fictional story, but pretty much this guys daughter gets kidnapped, he gets a note from God to go meet HIM at this place. He ends up meeting God, Jesus & The holy spirit and they have a wonderful conversation about a lot of things, including relationships, reason for pain, forgiveness. Its not a normal religious book per say, Uh hello...God is a big black old woman.
Anyways, this book has touched me in many ways. The way the author writes, the way the answers are explained, just a very touching book that I will read it again for sure.
There is a quote in there that goes like this :
"Each relationship between two persons is absolutely unique. That is why you cannot love two people the same. It simply is not possible. You love each person differently because of who they are and the uniqueness that they draw out of you."
— William P. Young (The Shack)
That has resonated to me on such a deep level. I have never loved my husband the same way I have loved my children, and the love I have for each child is completely different.
The love I have for my husband, while it started from a friendship, now its a completely different kind of love, its based on understanding, respect, memories of what we have gone through, he is like my knight in shinning armor that has slayed many of my dragons.
Before my son was born, I worried about the logistics of things. What if our personality clashed was a big worry in my mind. What if I have to love this child but I dont even like his personality??
The fact that I threw up from the moment sperm met egg, until the time he took his first breath and a little after and the fact that I had dreams of little bows and pink dresses and not once did I think in my life I was going to have a son, didn't helped the situation at all. What helped his case is that a child was very much wanted. We prayed and hoped for years. He fulfilled our dreams in so many ways.
Well motherhood is a magical thing. My mother loves to tell the story that as soon as the doctor pulled Tyler out, I started crying and screaming that "I really like him, I love him...I want to keep him, please let me keep him, pretty please, we will get along, I promise". My drug induced sobbing fest caused the whole operating room, lots and lots of laughter.
Although I did love him almost instantaneously, we clashed a lot. As a night owl, I have just done given birth to a morning little person that didnt think sleep was important. Our first year was difficult and the fact he didnt sleep through the night until about 6 months old helped strain our relationship. Also he wasnt much for kisses and cuddling. He was curious and wanted to see the world.
But it was just us, hubby was deployed, and here I had this little guy that I never expected and someone insane enough thought I had abilities to raise into a fine member of society. He loved me unconditionally and always reached for my hand and gave me the biggest smile around even when I screwed up and made mistakes and caused him pain.
As he grew, we bumped heads even more, but the instant love I had for him started to grow into something so much deeper. It wasnt just "I love you, you are my child, I have to love you". By becoming his mom and doing things for him that I had to, I shed layers and layers of my former self. I became a completely different person and have made many more changes in my life because of the responsibility I had for him. My heart open and flourished in ways I never once thought possible.
Before dd was born I had the same fears about not having enough love to love another child. But she fulfilled my dreams of bows and dresses. She came home sleeping through the night and was just a joy to be around. Also from a very young age, she is extremely cuddly and affectionate. She is always touching us, hugging us and kissing us. While he brother rather be running around the house, she rather sit in the couch and pet us. She cant walk by anyone without touching or rubbing them. She showers everyone with love and affection. So easy to love and while sometimes is hard, there is no such thing as personal space with her, on a hard day its very welcoming. Also I made less mistakes with her, Tyler took the brunt of my learning, while her, I already had a sense of what worked and what didn't, and I was more calm. I had a 2 1/2 year old in front of me as a proof that I could do this and not royally screw up.
I have issue, every single one of my child's birthday, the first thought in my head when i wake up is a celebration of "OMG I have done this. They are another year older and pretty normal and sane and alive. I can maybe do this for 18 years". Its such a high I get from that.....yeahh therapy is needed I know, I know ;)
I always felt bad and worried I loved my kids, my husband and my parents completely different from one another. I always under the impression, love had to be the same. If you loved someone you should have the same feelings and butterflies that comes with it. I tried to wrap it into little packages. I have felt bad many nights, and worried even more that I loved my kids completely different. While I love them both with all my heart, the love I feel for each one is different and burns different for different reasons.
Another preconceived notion I had, was that I had to treat everyone equally. Well, after reading that quote, something rippled inside myself and I felt like a light was finally shinning in the darkness.
I dont have to love everyone equally, the love you feel for one person is completely different than the love you feel for another because of their uniqueness and what they draw out of you. Seriously I feel like I was blind before, tracking along and finally someone turned the light on. I don't need to feel bad anymore, I don't need to try to wrap the love I feel for everyone into the same kind of box. I can just enjoy the love I feel for them without trying to make into something that it isn't.
Oprah use to love and talk alot about big AHA! moments, and I just had a big one in a very long time, and it feels good.
How ironic to think it came from a book that sat on my shelf gathering dust for months...lol