Paranoia sucks...

I sleep horribly while dh is gone. Every noise, wind rustling leaves, is definitely a sign the boogeyman is coming to get us and therefore I need to sit there staring at the ceiling plotting an escape plan.

Most of the time I go upstairs at around 10pm, brush my teeth, and lay down in bed. I wait for the hubby to call (he usually calls as he is getting into work. Afghanistan is 8:30 hrs ahead of Fl) by reading or messing with my phone. After dh calls, I put my kindle down, turn off my phone, go check on the kids, and get ready for bed.

It's extremely bright in my room because I leave the bathroom or the closet light on and the hallway light on, because everyone knows boogeyman's are afraid of the light. I lay down, adjust all 6 pillows, and get ready to enter dreamland. I wait and wait and wait. Nothing is happening. Then I start worrying : did I lock the door??....did I pay the cable bill??...what is that noise??...I am cold...I am hot...I am thirty....Are the children okay?? (Even though they been sleeping for about 2hrs and I just checked on them something could have totally happened and I would have failed in the number 1 only job I have..To keep the children alive, happy and healthy while my husband is 8k miles away).

Of course after the worry about the kids enters my mind, there is no way I can push it aside. Everything I can push it aside, but not when I worry about the kids. So I get up, yawn for the 10th time, and go check on the kids. Everyone is snoring peacefully and quiet. Since I am already up, I decide to go downstairs and check the doors and drink some water. I do all that and even make a quick stop to make sure the stove is off and so is the crock pot and so is the sink because everyone knows a sink dripping could be fatal in the middle of the night.

The cable bill I decide its not a big deal and file on my to do list tomorrow. As I am climbing up the stair, I check on the smoke alarm because after reading about so many carbon monoxide deaths, I am extra paranoid. The fact that I checked on it 2 days ago doesn't enter my conscience.

One more pit stop to check on the kids because in the last 5 minutes something major could have happened. For a split second I don't hear Juliet snoring, my stomach drops. I rush inside her room stubbing my toe in her crib, holding my hand over her chest and after a couple of seconds of deep breaths from both of us and reassurement that she is still breathing, I slowly tiptoe out of their room. By this time the pain in my toe has reached by brain.

Now I am mad. I stomp back to my room, giving myself a scolding for falling prey to paranoia again, and lay down in bed to finally sleep,I adjust my pillows, but at this point I am so worked up I cant sleep, I cant read either, so I am going to spend this time killing some pigs. I play for what seems like 5 minutes, just enough to calm me down, and finally try to sleep again.

I glance at the clock and its 1am. Oh fuck!!! Now I am only getting 6:30 hrs of sleep if I fall asleep right now, which most likely that wont happen. I put my phone on charge, roll over and decide this time I am going to sleep.

1 sheep jumped over the fence, 2 sheep jumped over the fence....75 sheep jumped over the fence....*OH crap now I got to pee shouldn't have drank that glass of water...90 sheep jumped over the fence.....*Fuck this I am not going to pee. I am going to sleep....*125 sheep jumped over the fence...wait did I miss a sheep?? No I didn't dont worry its okay......*OKay I cant hold anymore...fuck the sheep and fuck the water...I need to go pee.

Back to bed, the last readjustment of the pillows, one last look at the alarm clock to inform me its now 2:30 am. I groan and feel at the point of tears. My children *knock on wood* ,asides from being sick or climbing on my bed somewhere around 5 am and sticking their bony little elbows on my back are great sleepers. They will sleep through the night and not bug me, why cant my conscious do the same thing??

After another half hr of self pity, I fall asleep.

Or at least I think I did because the alarm is going off and its telling me its 7:30 am. Didn't I just wallow in self pity two seconds ago?? How can 5 hrs have possibly passed?? I don't feel rested. I hate being a heavy sleeper.

Oh well. About my day I go, with many pit stops at the coffee machine. By 4pm I am so awake and wired and have peed the 8 cups of coffee I have drank so far.

By 10pm, as I lay down in bed to go to sleep, I have a better chance of understanding the laws of gravity than I do of sleep and the cycle continues on and on and on.

I use to be a great sleeper, I use to be able to sleep through everything without a care in the world. Now I can still do that, except I cant fall asleep. No matter what. Gruesome scenes that would make the latest horror flick seem weak plays through my head. I take this whole " keep the children alive happy and healthy" to the extreme even more during the night.

3 more months and I can go back to snoring and actually getting some good sleep, until then don't laugh at these cold cucumbers as my pathetic attempt to erase some of these dark circles around my eyes or the fact that last night I spent 3 hours scrubbing my kitchen floor ;)


Love A