Out of debt.....

so we can go right back to it....OH the irony!!!!!!!!!!!!


We started off young with great intentions, we got credit cards, bought simple little things, and every month that we wrote the check for the full amount, we felt so mature and responsible. We did that for years, then life started to get in the way, one month the car broke down and wiped our savings, than someone needed a trip to the doctors with no insurance at the time and instead of paying off the full balance, we paid the minimum, felt like that crap and defeated, next month would be better. Well it wasn't. One thing led to another, a messed up paycheck from the military, a sudden plane ticket to another state because of the death of a family member, another credit card to keep us floating, and we became the horror stories that we heard.

We were just another statistic. Young couple with no money and too much debt. We would pay it off then charge again, pay it off, then charge again. And whats really sad its not like we were out buying big screen tvs, or the latest prada purse. All of our charges were groceries, or gas, or cigs, day trips with the kids. Basic stuff, but nonetheless stuff. Everything came crashing down when dh got out of the army. We just couldn't handle our debt and everything went to collection. We hit rock bottom. So many fights, so many sleepless nights, so much stress. There is absolutely nothing I know of that can strain/break a marriage faster than debt. Just like weight, its just a number, it doesn't dictate what kind of person you are or even if you are going to enter in heaven or not. Yet debt is an all time consuming thing. It seeps into your life, robs all kinds of enjoyment, just like a cancer.

Well after the hubby got this job, we paid off every single thing in our credit report. Since all the accounts were already closed, there were really nothing we could do, except pay it off and put little notes in our credit report.
After I wrote the last check to the last debt we had, I called dh crying tears of happiness. We had finally done. All our sacrifices had paid off. We had no more debt. None. Nada. Zilch. I could scream from the rooftops.

Our savings started to grow and life has been so much better. Because it only happened about 6 months ago, the wounds are still fresh and I still remember everything like yesterday.

Today while talking about houses, and house prices and what we could afford when he gets home in Sept, I mentioned to him I dont want to buy anything we cant afford and if he is willing, I would so go for the 320 sqft new little homes, pay it off and have no mortgage either. Dh mentioned to me that with 2 kids and 2 adults in a 320 sq footage home, while it seems amazing in theory, in practice, it wont work. And he is right, so I pulled up our credit report. I was expecting high numbers to be dancing in front of me, also some rainbows and butterflies, hey I wanted validation.
I didnt get rainbows, butterflies, or high numbers. I got hit with numbers only 10 points higher than 7 months ago when we were in the middle of our whole mess and everything being sent to collection. WTF???

Everything has been paid off, it has been only 6 months and all we go was 10 points?? So after doing some more reading, I found out the culprit. While there is nothing bad showing anymore, there is nothing good either. The car was purchased cash, the credit cards were paid off, there is nothing proving people we can handle debt and therefore our only option to raise our score quickly so we can buy a home is get another credit card.

I have known this information for about 2 weeks and every time I try to apply for one, I get cold sweated and back off. The wounds are still healing from all the hell we went through with debt. I can still hear although faint, but still hear nonetheless our stupid fights about it. Why oh why do we have to tempt this again?? I feel like a recently clean junkie, walking inside a junkie store (not that I would know that feeling, but I have read enough depressing shit to understand it).

Our starting position is completely different, we now have savings, are not living paycheck to paycheck, but still you cant predict lives twists and turns, and while I know I wont take that shiny credit card and hit the nearest coach store, I don't know if tomorrow the car will break down, so will something else, and something else entirely different that I never thought possible will happen, that will make us drain our savings and start relying on cc's again. Life's curves, are the stuff you never can think or prepare for. How do I overcome my fear, and do it quickly?? Because suddenly, 4 months that will take for him to be home and for us to hopefully start house shopping, doesnt seem enough time. How do I know we wont end up right back in the hole that we just crawled out of it so recently?? I dont know and that scares me so much :(

A