"A Thousand Words Can't Bring You Back,
I Know Because I Tried
And Neither Can a Million Tears
I Know Because I Cried."
I have a lot of friends going through the horrible heartbreak of infertility/ miscarriage. Its one of the hardest thing a couple will go through.
Wanting a child is a feeling that will take over your whole life. Once you get bitten by the bug, there is no looking forward or backwards until you have that child. Its a desire to nurture, care and love.
You think its going to be easy because infertility is not really talked about. At least it wasn't 5 years ago. Thank God nowadays its in the news, and more talked about. Talking about it helps so others don't feel alone.
I dealt with a lot of feelings of being alone. Everyone I knew was pregnant, unwanted pregnancies, wanted pregnancies, whatever. I remember sitting on the floor sobbing after a friend told me her dog gave birth to 5. Oh yeah that made me sob. How could a dog give birth to 5 and myself not even be able to get pregnant with one?? What is wrong with me?? is it because for years I tried to avoid pregnancy and cried a few times when my period was late?? Was it because until age 23 I said I never wanted kids? Was it because I thought the neighbors daughter was the little devil? Was it because I looked down on moms at the store that their child were misbehaving and in my high horse of being childless was sure I was never going to be that kind of mom?? Was it the cigarets I was smoking or the diet coke and coffee I couldn't give up?? Would my husband leave me if I can never give him a child??
These were some insane thoughts that ran through my head at the time. I honestly thought I had done something to cause this pain.
You see when a woman gets a positive, that child steals your heart. You start to make plans and realize your life will never be the same after. So when you miscarry, its the death of a child and having to bury a child, no matter how old is something no parent should ever do.
I remember reading a quote somewhere that stuck with me it said "ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a good mommy. I always thought the "good" would be hard, never once did I imagine it would be the "mommy" part" anonymous.
Also waiting every month for a positive, going through so many tests, shots, pills that will screw you up mentally and physically just to nudge your body into doing what everyone else can do without a problem is very trying to say the least.
Every month that you don't get a positive, it chips a bit at your soul. It robs you so many emotions like a carefree pregnancy. If God willing you do end up getting pregnant, every pain, every twist and turn you end up worrying yourself sick. At the sight of blood you will honestly freak out. Oh no what is going on what did I do??
Even though I now have 2 kids that brings me joy everyday, the memories are forever in my mind. I remember the worried nights, the tears I shed, the pain, the heartbreak, and everything else that accompanies this trial.
I got very lucky, and as my friends go through this, I want to tell each and every one of them, that they too can get through this and find happiness on the other side.
I want to console them. I want to tell them that all this pain will one day be worth it. That one day they will be rocking their newborn, smelling their sweet smell and finally understand why you put yourself through every thing that you did. That every single tear will be worth it. I want to give them my eggs, and my tubes, and all dust I have left. I want a stork delivering a cute bundle of joy to them right now so they can love it and appreciate it. But I know I can't do none of that.
I can't promise them a baby, I can't guarantee that they will get that most desired positive test and have a healthy joyful pregnancy because I don't know it. Sometimes no matter how much or how long you wish for something, it doesn't happen.
So the only thing I can do is reassure them that they are not alone. That even though I am in a different path right now, I have walked the dark path they are walking now and I remember. I remember it all and unfortunately its a path some of us have to walk in other to get to the other side.
Also I can think about you often, pray for you often and offer a lending ear. I know its not nearly the same, but my hope its that the little bit will build to make it enough. So that you can walk through this path without lots of stumbles, with your head held high, and your heart guarded a bit more, but walk through it, because maybe just maybe there is hope at the end of the tunnel, there is light.