When I started writing this blog I promised myself I wouldnt sugar coat shit. I have a bad habit of sugar coating that everything is okay, that is why only a few selected people only trully know how I feel and what I battle and go through. I decided if this is going to be some kind of new age theraphy, I need to be honest.
So now the pieces are failing into place. I know why I been soo miserable. To me there is nothing like feeling like shit and having no clue whats causing. If I am sick I need to know why the heck I am not feeling good so I can fix myself and get better. Well I just found out why I have not been feeling good and been in a funk. I am pregnant. Yep..I am still in shock. Complete and utter shock. I was tossing the idea about when to have another. I thought about them being too close in age and the fact that I sometimes feel like such a shitty mom what the heck would I do with 2 kids?? I guess God must think I am fit to do this job. Its hillarious that it takes me soo long to get pregnant with Ty and now this one I get pregnant without activelly trying. Go figure..lol.
So now I have a bunch of worries..1- I am about 7 wks or so, I have donate plasma twice. I spoke to the lady and she told me I should be fine. Just start taking prenatals as soon as possible and hydrate. I been thirsty as heck.
2. I been on Zoloft. Reason number 1 why I am not on birth control. I been doing a lot of reading online and it seems to be okay to take it while pregnant. I am going to stop until I talk to my doc.
3. This goes hand and hand with reason number 2. I been a bit more sane because of the Zoloft what if I get out of it? Will I trully loose my mind?? That is scaring me to no end. God how much do I hate having to battle depression and anxiety. It seems like a never ending crap. Why cant I just be happy and have puppies and rainbows shine out of my arse like everyone else??
4. I still havent come to terms that this might be another boy. I want a girl so bad and will only feel trully complete if I have a girl. If we have a girl chances are we are 90% on the kid factory. IF its another boy I know against my better judgement I will try for a girl again. Ay Ay..13 wks of waiting and since I am such not a patient person I hope my anxiety doesnt kick in too badly.
Just so many changes are happening and I am having to process all this and sort out all this feelings. Something that I just dont like. I hate dealing with my feelings, I hate sorting crap out. Blah...
So that is my blog for today. As things fall into place I will post more.
I havent started the violently pucking yet. Everyone tells me each pregnancy is different. I hope and pray this one will actually be good to me.